October 17th:
Here we are, my activation day! I am a bundle of nervous excitement and anxiously awaiting what real hearing will sound like! My family and friends have been so great through the last 2 months but I admit that I got a bit panicky thinking "Why did I tell everyone what I had done? What if it doesn't work?" Will I be able to handle explaining that? And will my ear be able to be reverted back to hearing aid status? I imagined it to be a bit like a couple when they find out they are pregnant and chose not to tell people until the second trimester in case they miscarry beforehand. This way they don't have to deal with all the questions while grieving. This might be a bad analogy, but it's really how I'm feeling about things. But before I drive myself completely crazy, I calm myself down realizing there is nothing I can do about it now, and I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
My mother in law went with me this time as my husband had to work. She also brought along her camera to film the activation so my family could see it too when we got home. We got to the hospital just before my 1 o'clock activation appointment and I told her it didn't seem real. She agreed.
We didn't wait long to be called back to a room where my Envoy engineer was set up to turn on my device. She introduced herself as Michelle and I thought she was perfect for the job. Her voice and mannerism was so soothing. First thing I asked her was if she was in my surgery and she said yes. Then I told her we'd all been a bit nervous that the device wouldn't work because of the ossicular issues. She reassured me that the device is tested every step of the way during surgery and that if anything was questionable they wouldn't have kept going, and yes, it would work. I relaxed then and felt like I'd be able to enjoy the rest of the appointment now!
Michelle then explained how the activation would go. First she'd be testing the device through a series of tones, then putting me through a hearing test with tones (blech, I hate those!) and then she'd activate the implant so I could hear! She showed me the remote and how I needed to hold it to my implant to get it to respond. I started to shake a little then and this caused me to move the remote away from the implant, so turning on the device for the tone testing was delayed a little. Suddenly I heard a loud beep INSIDE my head! It made me jump and Michelle said it was on! But I still couldn't hear out of my ear which was strange after hearing the beep. Then she put the device through a series of tones, quiet to loud, also testing for feedback. Once she determined what was good for me, she started the hearing test. All I had to do was indicate when I heard a tone by clicking a button. When it was over she looked pleased and said I'd done really well. My hearing was already as good as and better than pre implant, which being on the quietest program is a good thing.
Then she told my mother in law to get ready to film because she would be turning on my device completely and I would hear! My heart started pounding so loud I wasn't sure that I would hear anything! She said "Here we go" and I heard a really loud beep that made me jump. I started to say "That always startles me when I hear it" but cut myself off by exclaiming, "Oh! There I am!" I could HEAR myself speaking! I started to laugh and cry and Michelle gave me a few minutes to collect myself. I told her my voice sounded loud and strange. I was hearing myself speak as a normal hearing person would, my voice in my head instead of through my hearing aids! I also noticed that swallowing was loud, and moving my tongue around in my mouth was noisy too! I mouthed this to my mother in law and she laughed and nodded. I can't even begin to describe how I was feeling in this moment, that's why I'm glad we got it on video.
Michelle then went through the programs and steps I'd have to go through to adjust to the device. She showed me how to work the remote and I saw she had me on program A, level 3. I bumped it up to 4 and kept it there. Due to the programs and steps, it would take me about 2.5 months to get to the loudest one and at that time I will come back for an adjustment to get the best and custom programs for me. In all, I was told to expect about 6 months before I'd get maximum benefit from the device. Michelle told me that since we were sitting in a quiet office, everything was a little less noisy and that when I step out in the hospital corridor and outside, I might get overwhelmed with the loudness of everything. When Michelle was done with me, I got to see Dr. Seidman too. We talked about how I was feeling with the device and my new hearing and he answered some questions I had too. He looked at my incision which is healing great and also looked in my ear. He was satisfied with everything. He wished me well and said he'd see me when I came for my next adjustment. The man is incredible, that's all I have to say about that! Envoy hit a home run when they trained him for the procedure.
We decided to use the bathroom before we got on the road and holy cow!! The toilet flushing is loud! Scary loud! However, I started grinning like a fool when I washed my hands. I could hear the trickling of the water from the faucet and the rustle of the paper towel as I pulled it from the holder. It took all my self control not to keep washing and drying my hands so I could hear these little sounds again!
When we walked outside the wind was really blowing and it sounded a lot like what my hearing aids sound like in the wind, so I was a bit disappointed in that. But hopefully as I continue to adjust to the implant it will get better. All the road noises in the car were loud and I heard everything! The fan vents blowing and clicking, the tire treads against the pavement, the rushing wind outside the vehicle. It was too much for my poor brain and I had to turn my program down to 3 for the ride home.
It was so nice to have hearing in both ears again though. But it's hard to differentiate between what I'm hearing through my hearing aid (what I'm used to) and what I'm hearing through my Esteem (natural hearing). I suppose it will take awhile to adjust and for my brain to get used to it.
When we got home, I felt much more relaxed and was able to turn my device back up to 4. My husband was like a kid on Christmas morning when I told him all that I could hear. He watched the video of my activation and said it made him choke up. We all headed to bed then (my mother in law stayed at our house that night) and I was feeling a little off kilter going to bed and being able to hear. Usually I take out my hearing aids and I slip into my "quiet little cocoon". But I decided to leave my implant on to get used to it and my husband and I had a hushed conversation (in the dark!) because we could. I could hear everything he was saying! This was a sweet moment for me because I wasn't cupping my hand over my ear or trying to guess what he said. As much as I wanted to keep talking and testing out my ear, I fell asleep pretty quickly, exhausted from the emotions of the day. And I fell asleep to the sounds of the white noise machine my husband listens to every night that I could never hear before. Peaceful sounds of crickets chirping, a stream gurgling, and distant thunder rolling.
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